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Venezuela
Guyana
Suriname
French Guiana
Brazil (Part 1)
Brazil (Part 2)
Paraguay
Argentina
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Colombia

GUYANA

DECEMBER 2005

Georgetown's famous Stabroek Market

Guyana is a former British colony – which is basically meaningless, because the two countries have absolutely nothing in common. Oh, okay, they speak English here (with some crazy Caribbean accent), and they drive on the left, but that's about it. There's not a fish and chips shop to be found. And a pub? HA! Let me know when you find one. God save the Queen? Please! God save YOU while you walk the streets of Georgetown.

I really enjoy traveling to places that are off the beaten track, because the people are always interesting, and the strange experiences are worth their weight in gold. On the other hand, there is a famous, old saying, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” If that were the case, I’d be finished writing.

Traveling from Venzuela to Georgetown, Guyana was a lot harder than I expected it to be. Crossing from Venezuela into Brazil, I met a woman named Bea who spoke English and had made the trip many times. She turned out to be very helpful. But there was very little she could do for me after I ingested street food that resulted in severe food poisoning.

After crossing by boat from Brazil into Guyana, I started feeling ill. Bea and I arrived at her friend’s house in the dusty, remote town of Lethem, Guyana. Being sick is never fun, and being in a third world country is never easy, but being sick in a rural village in a third-world country is the seventh level of hell. I'm pretty sure I left half of my lower intestine in Lethem, and I consumed the town’s entire bottled water supply.

My room in Lethem was outside the main portion of the house where I was staying. While trying to regain my health there, the woman who owned the house locked me out during the night. Let me ask you a question. If you are very ill, and you get sick in the middle of the night, and you’re not allowed inside the house to use the bathroom, what do you think is going to happen when you urgently need to #1, #2, or barf? She’ll be growing great flowers this spring.

When I finally started feeling better, I tried to buy a plane ticket to Georgetown, but the flight was completely booked. I really wanted to get out of this town badly, so I made a decision to take the 16-hour bus ride (US$40) through the jungle to the capital. That was the longest, toughest bus ride of my entire life – and this is coming from a guy who’s been on buses all over the world.

Lethem to Georgetown bus highlights:

A single-lane, bumpy, dirt road for almost the entire 16-hour trip

The bus was old, uncomfortable, and every seat was full. Bird cages were in the aisle

No air-conditioner, no bathroom on board, no surprise

The driver had music on for the whole journey louder than a New York nightclub. Even earplugs made little difference

There were few rest stops, and even fewer services

At one point, in the middle of the night and in the middle of the jungle, a gate was down for no apparent reason. We waited nearly two hours for some idiot to come out of a small house and open it up. No explanation.

My stomach was is bad shape the entire trip, but I made it without any accidents

I was really happy to see Georgetown, which is funny because this isn’t a city to be the least bit excited about. My friend, Bea, met the bus and got me to a decent hotel in the center.

I own something like fifty Lonely Planet guidebooks, and I have never seen them write a phrase as direct as, “Georgetown is dangerous. Period.” Personally, I think this is a little bit overboard, but to be politically incorrect for a moment, if you are a dorky, white guy from Any Suburb, USA, this place is seriously a problem. I walked around both with Bea and without Bea, and believe me, it was a hell of a lot easier with her around. When walking alone, I felt like a mouse thrown into a snake pit

Interesting Guyana Highlights:

You know exactly what kind of country you’re in when even the capital city does not have a McDonalds. However, I did see two KFCs, a Pizza Hut, and a Popeye’s. Bea said she thought there was a McDonald’s at the airport

Okay! Let’s add Guyana to the list of “depressing places without an ATM connected to the international network.” Hmmmm. What others have I been to? As I recall – Albania and Syria. If you need cash in Guyana, you must go inside the ScotiaBank (go Canada!) and the teller will handle the transaction.

Bea and I ate a restaurant called Brains International Restaurant. No typo.

While on a minbus heading east toward Suriname, the driver, going about 65mph, ran over a dog that ignored his honking. Have you ever heard the sound of a dog getting run over at high speed? I will not lower myself by describing the brain-splattering, bone-crunching thud. The driver didn’t seem the least bit upset. In fact, he seemed rather proud. “I passed the test,” he said with a half-smile.

Three young women took a liking to me at a Chinese restaurant. One of them offered me a toothpick. I never use toothpicks; I just don’t have the need. The same girl then asked to pick my teeth for me. I told her I appreciated the offer, but I thought it would be a little disrespectful.

A gay man at a hotel near the border with Suriname made a valient effort to get to know me better. I can’t blame him – not because I’m a stud or anything – but because when you’re a gay man in the middle of nowhere, in a country where being gay is a bad health decision, anything looks good. He also asked for one of my Old Navy shirts. That I didn’t have a problem with. I just don't want to know what he used it for.

Number of white people seen during one week in Guyana: 10

Number of U.S. passport carrying citizens I've met since arriving in South America: 0

Crossing the Takutu River from Brazil to Guyana on a small boat